Thursday, November 30, 2006

Thursday Thirteen


Thirteen things you suddenly remember about snow (when it fucking dumps)

1. It would have been nice if you had located your snow scraper before you actually, like, needed it.

2. Crocs + snow = NO GO....duh!

3. Flip flops + snow = NO GO....snort!

4. When I say (while speaking about making it up the long ass uphill driveway covered in 2' of slippery snow) 'go balls out and ya gotta commit'.....well, I mean it. I *swear* I know what I'm talking about. ;)

5. No matter how badly LM *insists* he wants to go play in the snow, you can be assured this truly means a max of FIVE FREAKING MINUTES...:::sigh:::...

6. Animals need to be kept warm. Animals get cold when it gets super cold. Straw keeps animals warm when it's cold. REMEMBER TO BUY FREAKING STRAW BEFORE YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING NEED IT. My god.....I hate when I do this (every. single. winter practically)

7. Anywhere you want to go takes fuckingforever plus five. Grrrr......

8. No matter how insanely awesome your satellite internet connection is, bad weather is bad weather and 'there' and effects your connection. Which, when you think about it, really does suck. Because when it's colder than hell outside, snowing and you are stuck inside, it would be nice to waste time on the 'net.

9. It truly hits you what shitty luck it was that the water guy 'forgot' to come the other day. When it was like, 50 some degrees and perfectly dry. Because now you have to meet him somewhere in town because no way in hell can the dude make it up your snow covered, slippery ass driveway. Fucker.....

10. Why is it again that I have never hired a company to plow the drive????

11. Even at thirty-something snow angels are still super fun to make.

12. Shoveling snow can be quite satisfying. I have no idea why I enjoy it so much.

13. The wintery wonderland left behind is just so freaking *beautiful*. [happy sigh]
Posted by Vixen :: 9:37 AM :: 15 comments

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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

"Living is about making decisions and then spending the rest of your life living up to them"

The love of my life reminded me of this quote from one of our favorite movies (Meet Joe Black) and it has stuck in my head.

So.

~*~*~*~*~*drum roll please~*~*~*~*~*

During our meeting yesterday, AH and I came to [are you ready for this?!??!?!] AN AGREEMENT. Yes. After three hours with a mediator we came to an agreement on ALL issues. My main concern was the kids, his main concern was the money issues. It *all* was resolved. Even my attorney was just stunned.

You have NO idea how relieved I am about this. NO IDEA. No more meetings, hearings, mediations......it's settled and my divorce will now move towards being finalized. Wow.

I did find out some interesting facts regarding AH and his future plans. I'm a bit....drawn back. Not sure what will come of these life changes he may be making. But I refuse to dwell (or share, I'm sorry, it's his personal life and I will respect that until it effects me directly enough to feel comfortable discussing it) on right now. A settlement was made and all I can do at this moment is feel insanely happy that it was.

Oh. And BTW, I went in prepared to fight tooth and nail to have my children Xmas eve and Xmas morning. He did have intentions of fighting me on it too. But damn it, I said ok to Thanksgiving because I knew how important is was to him and his family. I said ok to Xmas eve day, because I knew how important it is to him and his family. I GET XMAS MORNING!!!!! And I did. So I'm a happy camper. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 12:14 PM :: 12 comments

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

TMI Tuesday 11-28-06

1. My biggest sexual turn on is a combination of alcohol, darkness and water (say a hot tub? a shower?)???? *snort* You know, fuck....these days I would have to say MOMD can breathe in my direction and it's a turn on. LMAO!

2. On a scale of 1-10, how jealous do you get (have you gotten)? Do I get? 4....I'm not a very jealous person. If a person is going to cheat on me or not be faithful, they just *aren't* and me getting my panties in a bunch over it, seems pointless...you know? Have I GOTTEN? Uh, 10? LOL! A chick (a minor, btw) offered to let AH see her pierced nipples while she all but climbed into his lap and I umm, didn't take it very well. ;)

3. Have you ever had sex with someone you work(ed) with? Any negative consequences? Sex? No. Everything but? Yes. (lol)

4. Wash up, cuddle or fall asleep? CUDDLE....of course. :)

5. Which is more important of the two in "chemisty," physical attractiveness or sexual performance? OMG....this is SUCH a difficult decisions. If there isn't *physical attractiveness* than there really won't be any need for *sexual performance* for me....PIMP!

Bonus (as in optional): What kind of birth control do you use? Nada......and OMFG is it NICE!

Hey! Don't forget to leave your own answers, I love reading them. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 7:16 PM :: 14 comments

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I survived

My kids are home. [happy sigh]

Ok. So it was easier this time....until Saturday that is. We had an awesome Thanksgiving. Great food (TONS of food....), wonderful company, good times. We kept busy by seeing the new James Bond movie, going out to dinner, meeting up with friends. My girly, girl-ness was pampered with a manicure/pedicure and getting my hair cut (which I do once in a blue moon). It helped.

I guess I'm grateful that I made it until then. And it kind of snuck up on me. Maybe causing me to be a little bit blue. Sunday morning.....it just kind of hit me hard. I hate 'that' feeling. And if I had any control over it, I would fix it in a freaking HEART BEAT. Ick.

I took my crazy sweet, little Arab mare out for a ride. That helped get my mind off of things. I mean a prancing, dancing horse that needs your every shred of attention, has GOT to help get your mind off of things! Right?!?!?! (lol) Well, it did. Ok. Well, enough so that I was able to drag my sorry ass into the shower and leave the house until it was time to get my kiddos again.

Then I was hit with a stomach whatever late Sunday night. Puking and feeling like a Mac truck ran me over (several times) was how I spent yesterday. Yay me.......blech.

But I'm better now (thank the fucking lord). I have a 'meeting' with AH this afternoon, that will include our attorney's and a mediator. *~*~*~*Fingers crossed~*~*~*~ THAT goes well, or well enough that possibly some 'issues' can be agreed upon. *please* let that go ok.

I'll post TMI tonight when I get back. Hope everyone had a kick ass Turkey Day. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 10:00 AM :: 5 comments

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Thursday, November 23, 2006

Thursday Thirteen

Thanks to Goofy Girl for her banner :)

Thirteen things I'm thankful for this week....

1. MOMD, not a second goes by that I don't think about how appreciative, how insanely grateful and how god damn LUCKY I am to have him in my life....fuck seriously, I could write an entire POST, an entire T13 on just him alone!

2. My children, they are what I have devoted my life to.... to their happiness, to their well being, I spent twenty some years wishing, praying and hoping for children and I have been blessed with two pretty amazing ones.

3. My sister, for so many years growing up we just hated each other, ok, I'll accept a great deal of the blame on that one. But since having children we were able to 'click', in such an amazing, insane way......she has been there for me in so many ways, so many times and I just can't imagine my life with out her. She's been such a ROCK for me.

4. My friends.....the past few months have opened my eyes to my true friends. When times became tough and drama exhumed my life, they stuck around through it all to support me. And even ones who at first were taken aback by my actions, choices I made....eventually came to the conclusion our friendship was important to them and I whole heartedly appreciate that.

5. HighER speed internet. Woo fucking Hoo!!! The other night I sat in my chair, with a cat my lap, using my (are you ready for this?!?!?!) LAPTOP!!!! (ok. Shut up you all....you just have no clue how restricted 'internet/computer use' has been in my life up until recently).

6. A friend of mine who invited us to Thanksgiving out of the goodness of her heart. She has been an *amazing* friend through the last few months. She hasn't always agreed with my choices or things I've done...but she's been supportive of *me*. Despite how she may have felt at one point, she opened her heart and home to us. And I am truly grateful to have an option to take my mind off of things.

7. The insanely awesome weather we have had. I love crisp fall/winter weather, but I love the sun and warmer weather more. And when we have days on end of cold and blah....it can send me into a funk. So this warm, nice, sunny weather is appreciated.

8. My improved mental health. Being in love, having a huge amount of stress relieved from my life, feeling honest to goodness happiness *ROCKS*.

9. My *amazing* attorney. I just don't know what I would do with out her. I'd be fucked, and NOT in a good way.

10. That my divorce proceedings are moving along so that I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

11. Coffee. Coffee Mate holiday creamers. Starbucks. C-A-F-F-E-I-N-E (come on, you had to have known at some point I had to be a little less 'deep', *snort!*)

12. My animals....the ones remaining. I had to put to sleep my old dog that had been one of my babies for the past thirteen years. It was time, but very difficult and sad. My three remaining dogs, my kitty (aka, the worlds BEST CAT EVER), my horses, goats, chickens, ducks......light up my life.

13. Life. It takes it's twists and turns, perhaps things happen for a reason. I've had some bad events take place over the past few months. I've made some choices I'm not necessarily proud of or happy about. But I've also made some others that I AM. And really, isn't that what life is about? What makes it go round?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted by Vixen :: 9:33 PM :: 10 comments

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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The holidays are going to be hard.

They just are. Tomorrow I will drop my children off to spend the next four days with their dad and his family.

Thanksgiving is a very *big* thing to them. AH's entire family are all about traditions. Holidays and their traditions are important to them. I did everything in my power to make sure the children were able to spend Thanksgiving with their dad, at his grandparents house as they have every other year. I knew it was the right thing to do.

It doesn't make it any easier though. For the past sixteen years I have spent Thanksgiving, the holidays, with AH's family.... I looked forward to them. Loved them. So I think, suppose, that has been hard on me. Having so much change in my life has been hard. It just has, damn it. You know?

This is the second time AH will have the kids. He had them two weekends ago and honestly...I was a basket case. A god damn, fucking basket case. Dropping them off with their dad, driving away, was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Well. One of the hardest. And walking by their empty bedrooms. Not having anyone to tuck in at night. Not having a warm little body to climb into my lap and tell me "good morning"..... Seriously. Insanely difficult. I'm sure at some point I will begin to enjoy time to myself. There will come a time where it feels okay to not have them with me. To not be responsible for them or their well being at. all. times. But that point hasn't come as of yet. I hope it comes soon......

And meanwhile. I will just deal. I have someone in my life that makes me happier than I ever remember being. Someone who goes out of his way to make my every day feel like I haven't yet been loved like he loves me. He came into my life when I needed him most. When I felt damaged. And overwhelming and increasingly like an insane burden. ...:::sigh:::... And still he loves me. Still he fell in love with me. I don't know, how did I get so lucky? He rocks.

That aside. I guess wish me luck. Wish me the strength and sanity to make it four days, when two seemed so, sooooooo long. MOMD and I are spending Thanksgiving with a friend of mine. Someone who has stuck by me through the ick. Who, despite not agreeing with my decisions or things in my past, she has proven to be a very true and good friend. And yes people, there will be much drinking. Because right now. I need to let loose. In the past when this friend and I get together we have proven to be able to 'enjoy' ourselves quite well (hey! Get your mind out of the gutter people, not that kind of a friend! ;).

Wish me luck.

Posted by Vixen :: 9:24 PM :: 3 comments

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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

TMI Tuesday 11-21-06

1. Have you ever bought an adult magazine? If so which one? Yes...Playboy and a few others.
2. Did OJ Simpson really do it? Maybe, maybe not. I don't know...
3. Is Clay Aiken gay? *snort* I think he probably is.
4. Are you racist? If so who do you hate? Nah uh, no way. Hate is such a strong word. No. I don't "hate" anyone.
5. Ever videotaped yourself having sex? Yes ;)

Bonus (as in optional): On a scale from 1-10, how kinky are you? Give me an example! =P Hmmm....8. Maybe more??? Let's just say I'm willing to try just about anything once.

Wanna play along????

Posted by Vixen :: 7:45 PM :: 9 comments

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Monday, November 20, 2006

My ABC's

Ganked from Professor....who rocks, BTW ;)

A is for... Asshat! Or I can be nice and it's also my rockin' sisters name.
B is for... BOOBS, I *love* boobs!
C is for... hard not to think of LP's name, lol.
D is for... D-I-V-O-R-C-E-D the day that this is final you will hear a big ass WOO HOO from me
E is for... *ahem* well...uh....my name
F is for... Fuck. My all time favorite word....fuck, fucking....good word ;)
G is for... Goof. I use that word a bit....as in "You are such a goof!"
H is for... HAPPY, I am HAPPY.....:::happy sigh:::......
I is for... Ick, for so long I had so. much. ick. in my life....ICK begone...
J is for... my little rat dog.
K is for... KICK ASS, my other all time favorite word/phrase.
L is for... Love, I'm in love.
M is for... Man of my dreams!
N is for... Nana, what my mom goes as (course it's longer than that, but I'm not going to use her real name here)
O is for... Ornery, OMFG, THE most perfect word to describe my son.
P is for... Princess, what I feel like I am most days now :)
Q is for... Quotes, I love quotes. I collect them, I see them everywhere and write them down so that I can remember them.
R is for... Running, I love to run.....with an insane passion.
S is for... STARBUCKS!!!!
T is for... Totally, yet another word I use much. MUCH. Too often.
U is for... Underwire, I'm addicted to underwire bras. They rock. Took a break from there for a bit, but was turned back onto them and YES, they rock.
V is for... Vegas baby....where I hope to make it to someday. It just sounds like a fucking kick ass place to go.
W is for... Winter, not so much into it.
X is for... X, as in EX husband, lol.
Y is for... Yikes! This was more difficult than I thought it would be. Snort!
Z is for... Zippity do da.....right?!

Posted by Vixen :: 9:28 PM :: 3 comments

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Sunday, November 19, 2006

Something I'm struggling with....

Totally not like 'big' and kind of OT, but...what the hell happened to the 'box' that let me have a title to a post?????? It's bugging the *crap* out of me.... Grrrrr.

So I attended this 'parenting after divorce' class this weekend. Three and a half hours of how to be a better co-parent. I know, you're thinking.....***groan** But really it wasn't all that bad. It was informative. Having worked with children for the past almost twenty years and it being my 'forte', so to speak, it was just a good reminder of things I already knew, things I already do try to practice and other things I should really try to work more on....of how to direct my focus on my children and less on my nasty ass divorce. It was on how to be a better parent overall.

I'm having 'issues' with something though, and trying to move past it....

My ex husband (AH) was not around much, especially after my son was born. He wasn't the 'most' involved dad. Almost a hundred percent of the parenting responsibilities were mine. Driving to and from school, dr appointments, school events, after school activities, sports, play groups, getting them ready in the mornings, getting them ready to go anywhere, swimming classes, bedtime (pj's, brushing teeth, reading books, tucking in, etc), entertaining them during the day, taking care of them overall.....all mine. And I have *thoroughly* enjoyed all of it. I have. As a SAHM, I willing took on every.single.one. of those responsibilities. Sure. There have been times that I was a bit resentful that I didn't have much to any help, in any area. Especially the times that my husband would announce he was going on a camping trip with friends, or over to a friends house, or to play golf or well, anywhere. Because he would just *SAY* "I'm doing so and so..." and off he would go. While I stayed home to take care of the children. It was never even a question of it.

I can remember times where my son would be napping and my husband working at home, or just maybe watching TV even, and it would be time to go pick up my daughter from school. It was never even an option to say 'hey...LM (Little Man) is sleeping...I'll leave him with you while I run to get LP (Little Princess)...." OR even better would have been if he would offer to go GET her from school. It was never.ever. an option. It was a given, that of course, I would wake LM up and carry his tired little body to the car, to drive the fifteen minutes into town to get LP.

The hard part were the times where I would have loved a *break*, a moment to myself to just like *breathe* with out a child with in five feet of me. In the past seven years I haven't had much 'me' time. It was just flat out expected that I would be responsible for the children almost 100%. He would get to run off and do whatever he felt like at the drop of the hat. And meanwhile, if I really, really wanted to do something with out the children and would want him to take care of them (for a minimal time, long term was totally out of the question) then I had to beg and plead and defend my side why I *deserved* to do this thing by myself, or could I please, PLEASE do 'whatever' and he make arrangements to be with OUR children.

Ok. Obviously I'm bitter about this. I know I am. I can tell I am. But here's the thing. All the sudden AH wants to have 50/50 custody of our children. Because he tucked them into bed every night he thinks he should have them 50% of the time. He attended the same class I did and what he came away from it with was regret. Regret for not spending more time with his children up until now. Well you know what? I regret that too! I wish he HAD been around more the past seven years. I wish he HAD been more willing to spend time with them, with us. To help out more. To be more a part of their lives. Because up until now all I've heard from him is how he didn't have a flexible schedule, how he couldn't help out for whatever reason, or would get super annoyed at me for just asking for his help.

YET all the sudden he is claiming to have a 'flexible' work schedule. Making claims that he will bend over backwards basically to do what he needs to to make it possible for him to have the children 50% of the time, to accommodate spending tme with them, to be there more for them. Well.....what the fuck!?!??!?!

In this class the instructor discussed how divorce often times makes people step up to the plate and 'be all that they can be' as parents. Ok great. That is all fine and dandy. But damn it, that makes me RESENTFUL. That IRRITATES me.

But...::::sigh::::....it's something I just will have to deal with. Because in the BIG picture, I am happy that he finally realizes he was and has missed out on his kids lives. Happy that he is finally making an effort to be there for them more. To accept more responsibility for them. He is their daddy. They *LOVE* him with all their hearts, as they should. But in doing this, I feel like I am being penalized. I don't know...maybe I'm not. Hopefully I'm not. It all remains to be seen. As of now, AH wants it 'this way' and is very stead fast that THAT is what he should get and will fight for. And I am very stead fast on what *I* think he should have and get. And IMO (and of course, it's MY opinion) it's a very reasonable offer that gives him an awful lot of time with the children but alleviates him of quite a bit of the responsibility. Which in all honesty, I LIKE the responsibility of the children. For seven years I have spent just about 24/7 with them, meeting their needs, being there for them. I have been THAT person. I LIKE that role. It makes me feel wanted and appreciated and needed..... And I just don't want that taken away from me. Part of my identity, a HUGE part of WHO I AM...is wrapped up in my children. Is ME as a mom.

Posted by Vixen :: 8:36 AM :: 9 comments

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Friday, November 17, 2006

***Breathe of fresh air***

[heavy sigh]

This is me taking a heavy sigh of relief. So much has changed in my life the past few months. There have been HUGE changes. I left my husband of 9years, the man I had spent the past 16 years of my life with....had two children with.....had been with since my senior year of high school, spent a great deal of time with since junior high....lost my virginity to. I think a HUGE part of my identity and existence revolved around and was based off of that man. And then things took a change. He became someone different. Someone I couldn't be 'me' around. He became this insanely jealous freak. In his effort to 'hang on to me' he ended up suffocating me, trying to change who I was, who he wished I would be instead. Pushing me further and further away.... Until I just.couldn't.do.it.any.longer. Hell, you know, I think I may have become someone different too. I don't know. I devoted over a year of my life in my other blog to my feelings about him and my life and trying to figure out what in the fuck to do. And then I lost the ability to be honest and open in my other blog. And then had to make the decision to abandon it altogether. Have I mentioned how much I fucking *adored* my blog?????? Everything about it just *exhumed* ME. ...:::sigh:::...

Anyways. I have had moments over the past week where I was just a mess....I can be such a god damn girl. I can. It drives me freaking insane. I don't like to be an emotionally irrational basket case, the chick who can't control her emotions, you look at me wrong and I get teary, you say the most random thing to me and I start crying. Driving along in the car and OH, I start crying. I found myself praying that my lovely 'friend' would drop in for a visit so I could blame the majority of my emotional pyscho-ness on that and hope to fucking god I could regain some composure. Goodness.....

Nah ah....do. not. like. that. chick. So I'm better now though. I honestly felt like I was having an identity crisis. Having so many things change. Everything I knew and could count on changed. And I don't do well with change. Change and I....nooooo.....not friends. But I'm doing better now. I'm dealing with losing my blog. Losing my life with my husband. Losing traditions and things that felt comfortable and safe to me. Losing relationships and friendships I thought I could trust and count on.

So. This is me. I chose to be happy. I no longer spend my days unhappy and sad and depressed. I spend my days as a stay at home mom, loving my children. Enjoying who they are and the little people they are becoming. I live with a man who adores me and my children. A man who stepped up to take care of me when I had fallen and was just.....lost. Who gave me strength and the courage to make decisions that were needed and right for me and my kiddos. Who treats me like a princess. Who has made me realize that there is so much....more to be had.

I've had a hard time expressing my feelings recently. When I think about writing a post, I feel myself feeling guarded and unsure what to write about. I'm hoping my 'move' will help this. Because I have seriously felt lost with out my 'release' and ability to vent and be ME.

I hope I'm back. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 8:36 AM :: 8 comments

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