Wednesday, December 13, 2006

And this is how it happened....

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
to remind me
to find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

First off. This song *rocks*. It's one of my most favoritest songs *ever*. I could listen t0 it a billion, trillion times. It's 'our' song. If you listen to the words, they so totally hit home for MOMD and I. I turned him onto the song and I think he feels about it the same way as I do about it (seeing as it's the ringtone on both of our cell phones, I think this is fairly safe to say...lol). :)

Back in June. MOMD and I became friends. For what ever reason that I don't question, he started posting on my blog. He had a wife at the time. I had a husband. I WAS NOT looking for anything at the time. Nor, by any means, was he. (This is important to remember, please keep this in mind) We began emailing. It started out casual.... But it became a very close friendship. He shared with me all his faults, trivial and non trivial things that had effected his life...his marriage...that caused him to be him...caused his marriage to be failing. He read my blog. Beginning to present. We made a habit to be open and honest with one another. The major fault in AH and mines relationship was that even though we had been together for almost 16 years, it was unhealthy. I knew it from the very beginning but 'allowed' it continue to transpire in that manner. Let it be the WAY IT WAS....And after you allow something to become what it is....it's incredibly difficult, insanely difficult to make it be 'better'.

MOMD and I made it a practice to lay it on the line. We vowed to be true and honest with one another. Never with an intention that it would be anything other than this inevitable friendship. We both entered into a platonic friendship that was solely based from a mindset:

"This is me and take me for who I am"

I was done pretending. Done trying to be someone I wasn't. Done bending over backwards to make "me", "us" work (like I had fought tooth and nail to do in my current relationship). He was all about "THIS" is who I am. And so was I.

And this insane attraction developed. And....I fell in love, with out any intention of doing so. I dove into this period of my life that was unfathomable. Something I am incapable of, is loving two people. I can not desire, wish to have in my life, numerous people. Flames. However you may view it.

AH came home from a hunting trip (time frame of August) in 'rare form'....and I decided at that moment I was done. D-O-N-E For over a year I had put up with his insane jealousy (which was not justified at the time), his absurd accusations (again, unjustified), his stalking of my every move, I had became more and more unhappy as he became more and more controlling. The nightly arguing, constant walking on egg shells, never knowing *when* he would blow up.

Events that followed are sketchy and unclear. Mainly because it seems so SURREAL. (and probably of no real importance to others)

My husband did some horribly, awful things (early September). I was put in a position that no one. NO ONE, should have to be in. And MOMD was who I called in my moment of crisis. My moment of realizing my life, me, the children and I were.....not ok. He at one time had told me if I ever needed him he would be there. I needed him. I called him and asked him to come. Come be with me. Come help me cope with my fucked up life. The chaoticness that my life became. And he did. He dropped everything. He sacrificed everything he knew to come be with me. He flew in 'the weekend' that everything blew up. Then he drove over 13 hours, less than two weeks later, to stay with me permanently. To be here. I was in a serious state of of self destruction. The upheaveal of my life did me in. My decision making skills died with my marriage. I suppose on a level I felt like because I couldn't keep my marriage together, couldn't make that work that nothing in my life would work. I made some very poor decisions that I am still to this day dealing with.

But in the end...when you fast forward to today. I have found the man of my dreams. I have not and do not compromise who I am. What I am. Myself. There are days, more often than I like, that I feel 'damaged'. I deal with on a daily basis what AH did to me. How he left me feeling. Relationships are hard enough with out having to deal with a nasty divorce, three young children (his and mine), ex husbands/wives, debt.....but we have done it. We continue to do it.

And that, my friends, is how we became 'us'. As I've said in the past, numerous times. I don't condone things I've done. Routes I've taken to get to where I am. But here I am. And while I would never ask anyone to support my decisions or the route I took to get here. It's what transpired and how I got to where I am. How I obtained happiness in the craziness of life.

So. I don't know. Cheers. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 12:17 AM :: 12 comments

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