Secrets of a Blue Eyed Vixen

Friday, December 08, 2006

"Your heart never breaks, but it goes through a process of getting stronger."

For a long while I felt I was in survival mode. I had so many things going on. So many 'things' happened at once. And it wasn't until recently that I even realized I was running in 'survival mode'. And now I am slowly moving out of that mode and emotions are bombarding me.

Emotions like GUILT. EXHAUSTION. HELPLESSNESS. GRATITUDE.

Guilt.....because it has hit me like a ton of bricks how much I hurt my ex husband. Although he treated me badly, although I was insanely unhappy and try as I might to 'fix' things, I. just. couldn't. He was still in love with me. Even up to the end he was trying to convince me that staying together was the 'right' thing to do. He was making promises of how he could change..... And seeing him now what seems like all. the. freaking. time....well. It's hard. Its this constant reminder.

Guilt....because my children miss their daddy. They cry for him when it's time for me to pick them up and take them home. A little piece of my heart just *breaks* when I have to pry LM out of AH's arms as he cries for his daddy. Ugh.

Exhaustion....because for so long I was in a guarded mode. I am familiar with, have a habit of living my life, wearing my emotions on my sleeve. And I held it together for the most part because I knew I needed to get through this, and now I feel my emotions weighing me down. I mean it's better. I'm soooooooooo much happier. But so many things have changed. So many different aspects. And sometimes I just feel this huge weight from keeping it all together. No matter how out of control, no matter how 'unknown' things were/are....I have made myself act on the fact that everything would be ok. And maybe partially knowing that things will and ARE going to be ok makes me insanely relieved. Which also makes me somewhat emotional.

Helplessness....because there is nothing more I can do. I am doing the best I can. I make sure my kiddos know I want them to love their father. I have gone to great lengths to make sure he is a part of their lives. I do the best I can to hide the fact that them not being near me kills me. Breaks my heart. That I miss them so terribly when they are away.

I knew it would be hard. Difficult. But I never fathomed it would be *this* insanely difficult. I just didn't. You know? ....::::sigh::::.... It will get easier. I KNOW it will. I just wish that would hit me sooner than later.

Gratitude....because with out MOMD I don't know how I would have done it. I don't know how I could have. My mom made a weird statement to me. She told me that I was an 'odd duck'. I am?! How's THAT!?! She meant it in the fact that I am such an exceptionally lucky person to have stumbled upon someone as great as MOMD. Someone who was willing to love me and my children as unconditionally as he has. I don't think I've ever mentioned or that some of you know that MOMD picked up his life and left everything behind to be with me. I hit a horrible point and he came, he drove over thirteen hours to make sure he made it in time for my birthday. It's easy to get caught up in my own....difficultness and things I'm having a hard time dealing with (like having the children be away so much over the holidays). But him being away from his family I know is insanely difficult for him.

Oh well. Thanks to Suri for the awesome quote. :)

The kiddos are with AH this weekend. I'm fighting down the sick feeling that tends to settle in my mind and heart and stomach when they are going to be gone. When they are gone. This weekend is "Operation Christmas Shopping". Wish us luck! Enjoy your weekend!

Oh. Something else. Breezy and Professor have expressed interest in me sharing my story of how MOMD and I 'hooked' up, happened upon one another. I know a few of you (ok, lol four of you, snort!) know already. It was all very hush hush, it had to be. It was something that happened behind the scenes, that caused me to loose quite a few 'so called' friends. Or maybe I like to look at it, as I realized who my TRUE friends were. There was quite an uproar in internet land for those who did know what was going on. But this weekend I will try working on a recap of sorts. I think. ;)

Posted by Vixen :: 10:57 AM :: 9 comments