Wednesday, November 22, 2006
The holidays are going to be hard.
They just are. Tomorrow I will drop my children off to spend the next four days with their dad and his family.
Thanksgiving is a very *big* thing to them. AH's entire family are all about traditions. Holidays and their traditions are important to them. I did everything in my power to make sure the children were able to spend Thanksgiving with their dad, at his grandparents house as they have every other year. I knew it was the right thing to do.
It doesn't make it any easier though. For the past sixteen years I have spent Thanksgiving, the holidays, with AH's family.... I looked forward to them.
Loved them. So I think, suppose, that has been hard on me. Having so much change in my life has been hard. It just has, damn it. You know?
This is the second time AH will have the kids. He had them two weekends ago and honestly...I was a basket case. A god damn, fucking basket case. Dropping them off with their dad, driving away, was one of
the hardest things I've ever done. Well. One of the hardest. And walking by their empty bedrooms. Not having anyone to tuck in at night. Not having a warm little body to climb into my lap and tell me "good morning"..... Seriously.
Insanely difficult. I'm sure at some point I will begin to enjoy time to myself. There will come a time where it feels okay to not have them with me. To not be responsible for them or their well being at. all. times. But that point hasn't come as of yet. I hope it comes soon......
And meanwhile. I will just deal. I have someone in my life that makes me happier than I ever remember being. Someone who goes out of his way to make my every day feel like I haven't yet been loved like he loves me. He came into my life when I
needed him most. When I felt damaged. And overwhelming and increasingly like an insane burden.
...:::sigh:::... And
still he loves me. Still he fell in love with me. I don't know, how did I get so lucky? He rocks.
That aside. I guess wish me luck. Wish me the strength and sanity to make it four days, when two seemed so,
sooooooo long. MOMD and I are spending Thanksgiving with a friend of mine. Someone who has stuck by me through the ick. Who, despite not agreeing with my decisions or things in my past, she has proven to be a very true and
good friend. And yes people, there will be much drinking. Because right now. I need to let loose. In the past when this friend and I get together we have proven to be able to 'enjoy' ourselves quite well (hey! Get your mind out of the gutter people, not
that kind of a friend! ;).
Wish me luck.
Posted by Vixen ::
9:24 PM ::
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