Secrets of a Blue Eyed Vixen

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Something I'm struggling with....

Totally not like 'big' and kind of OT, but...what the hell happened to the 'box' that let me have a title to a post?????? It's bugging the *crap* out of me.... Grrrrr.

So I attended this 'parenting after divorce' class this weekend. Three and a half hours of how to be a better co-parent. I know, you're thinking.....***groan** But really it wasn't all that bad. It was informative. Having worked with children for the past almost twenty years and it being my 'forte', so to speak, it was just a good reminder of things I already knew, things I already do try to practice and other things I should really try to work more on....of how to direct my focus on my children and less on my nasty ass divorce. It was on how to be a better parent overall.

I'm having 'issues' with something though, and trying to move past it....

My ex husband (AH) was not around much, especially after my son was born. He wasn't the 'most' involved dad. Almost a hundred percent of the parenting responsibilities were mine. Driving to and from school, dr appointments, school events, after school activities, sports, play groups, getting them ready in the mornings, getting them ready to go anywhere, swimming classes, bedtime (pj's, brushing teeth, reading books, tucking in, etc), entertaining them during the day, taking care of them overall.....all mine. And I have *thoroughly* enjoyed all of it. I have. As a SAHM, I willing took on every.single.one. of those responsibilities. Sure. There have been times that I was a bit resentful that I didn't have much to any help, in any area. Especially the times that my husband would announce he was going on a camping trip with friends, or over to a friends house, or to play golf or well, anywhere. Because he would just *SAY* "I'm doing so and so..." and off he would go. While I stayed home to take care of the children. It was never even a question of it.

I can remember times where my son would be napping and my husband working at home, or just maybe watching TV even, and it would be time to go pick up my daughter from school. It was never even an option to say 'hey...LM (Little Man) is sleeping...I'll leave him with you while I run to get LP (Little Princess)...." OR even better would have been if he would offer to go GET her from school. It was never.ever. an option. It was a given, that of course, I would wake LM up and carry his tired little body to the car, to drive the fifteen minutes into town to get LP.

The hard part were the times where I would have loved a *break*, a moment to myself to just like *breathe* with out a child with in five feet of me. In the past seven years I haven't had much 'me' time. It was just flat out expected that I would be responsible for the children almost 100%. He would get to run off and do whatever he felt like at the drop of the hat. And meanwhile, if I really, really wanted to do something with out the children and would want him to take care of them (for a minimal time, long term was totally out of the question) then I had to beg and plead and defend my side why I *deserved* to do this thing by myself, or could I please, PLEASE do 'whatever' and he make arrangements to be with OUR children.

Ok. Obviously I'm bitter about this. I know I am. I can tell I am. But here's the thing. All the sudden AH wants to have 50/50 custody of our children. Because he tucked them into bed every night he thinks he should have them 50% of the time. He attended the same class I did and what he came away from it with was regret. Regret for not spending more time with his children up until now. Well you know what? I regret that too! I wish he HAD been around more the past seven years. I wish he HAD been more willing to spend time with them, with us. To help out more. To be more a part of their lives. Because up until now all I've heard from him is how he didn't have a flexible schedule, how he couldn't help out for whatever reason, or would get super annoyed at me for just asking for his help.

YET all the sudden he is claiming to have a 'flexible' work schedule. Making claims that he will bend over backwards basically to do what he needs to to make it possible for him to have the children 50% of the time, to accommodate spending tme with them, to be there more for them. Well.....what the fuck!?!??!?!

In this class the instructor discussed how divorce often times makes people step up to the plate and 'be all that they can be' as parents. Ok great. That is all fine and dandy. But damn it, that makes me RESENTFUL. That IRRITATES me.

But...::::sigh::::....it's something I just will have to deal with. Because in the BIG picture, I am happy that he finally realizes he was and has missed out on his kids lives. Happy that he is finally making an effort to be there for them more. To accept more responsibility for them. He is their daddy. They *LOVE* him with all their hearts, as they should. But in doing this, I feel like I am being penalized. I don't know...maybe I'm not. Hopefully I'm not. It all remains to be seen. As of now, AH wants it 'this way' and is very stead fast that THAT is what he should get and will fight for. And I am very stead fast on what *I* think he should have and get. And IMO (and of course, it's MY opinion) it's a very reasonable offer that gives him an awful lot of time with the children but alleviates him of quite a bit of the responsibility. Which in all honesty, I LIKE the responsibility of the children. For seven years I have spent just about 24/7 with them, meeting their needs, being there for them. I have been THAT person. I LIKE that role. It makes me feel wanted and appreciated and needed..... And I just don't want that taken away from me. Part of my identity, a HUGE part of WHO I AM...is wrapped up in my children. Is ME as a mom.

Posted by Vixen :: 8:36 AM :: 9 comments