Secrets of a Blue Eyed Vixen

Friday, November 17, 2006

***Breathe of fresh air***

[heavy sigh]

This is me taking a heavy sigh of relief. So much has changed in my life the past few months. There have been HUGE changes. I left my husband of 9years, the man I had spent the past 16 years of my life with....had two children with.....had been with since my senior year of high school, spent a great deal of time with since junior high....lost my virginity to. I think a HUGE part of my identity and existence revolved around and was based off of that man. And then things took a change. He became someone different. Someone I couldn't be 'me' around. He became this insanely jealous freak. In his effort to 'hang on to me' he ended up suffocating me, trying to change who I was, who he wished I would be instead. Pushing me further and further away.... Until I just.couldn't.do.it.any.longer. Hell, you know, I think I may have become someone different too. I don't know. I devoted over a year of my life in my other blog to my feelings about him and my life and trying to figure out what in the fuck to do. And then I lost the ability to be honest and open in my other blog. And then had to make the decision to abandon it altogether. Have I mentioned how much I fucking *adored* my blog?????? Everything about it just *exhumed* ME. ...:::sigh:::...

Anyways. I have had moments over the past week where I was just a mess....I can be such a god damn girl. I can. It drives me freaking insane. I don't like to be an emotionally irrational basket case, the chick who can't control her emotions, you look at me wrong and I get teary, you say the most random thing to me and I start crying. Driving along in the car and OH, I start crying. I found myself praying that my lovely 'friend' would drop in for a visit so I could blame the majority of my emotional pyscho-ness on that and hope to fucking god I could regain some composure. Goodness.....

Nah ah....do. not. like. that. chick. So I'm better now though. I honestly felt like I was having an identity crisis. Having so many things change. Everything I knew and could count on changed. And I don't do well with change. Change and I....nooooo.....not friends. But I'm doing better now. I'm dealing with losing my blog. Losing my life with my husband. Losing traditions and things that felt comfortable and safe to me. Losing relationships and friendships I thought I could trust and count on.

So. This is me. I chose to be happy. I no longer spend my days unhappy and sad and depressed. I spend my days as a stay at home mom, loving my children. Enjoying who they are and the little people they are becoming. I live with a man who adores me and my children. A man who stepped up to take care of me when I had fallen and was just.....lost. Who gave me strength and the courage to make decisions that were needed and right for me and my kiddos. Who treats me like a princess. Who has made me realize that there is so much....more to be had.

I've had a hard time expressing my feelings recently. When I think about writing a post, I feel myself feeling guarded and unsure what to write about. I'm hoping my 'move' will help this. Because I have seriously felt lost with out my 'release' and ability to vent and be ME.

I hope I'm back. :)

Posted by Vixen :: 8:36 AM :: 8 comments